What Domestic Violence Really Teaches Children

Domestic violence is a private matter that has been brought into the public eye much in part to the NFL and the poor decisions of some football players. Many of us have heard the story about Ray Rice's wife and about their troubled marriage. Much of the talk about domestic violence is usually spent discussing what the parents are experiencing and although this is important, I ask "what about the kids?" Many people do not realize how domestic violence impacts a child's physical, mental and emotional development. 

By witnessing domestic violence a child can learn.....   

that hitting or yelling at others is an appropriate way of communicating 

hitting or yelling equals respect 

by hitting or yelling other people listen to you

physical strength is more important than anything else

to have difficulty trusting other adults and parents

to fight peers at school and break things at home

that a foundation for a relationship is fighting 

in all relationships someone must be submissive

physical strength is emotional strength

that all men or women are violent (depending on who is the abuser) 

the poor ability to cope with stress or anxiety 

the poor ability to resolve problems without fighting or arguing 

to have low self esteem related to self blame for the domestic violence

to be afraid when other people are yelling around the 

to hide their problems in the face of fear 

to not trust mom and dad since they can barely trust themselves 

to be insecure with themselves and others 

and that all adults are violent people  

Domestic violence is violence against a family unit, everyone is impacted. Children are very much affected by what they see and hear at home. A simple verbal argument among adults can start a downward spiral in their young minds. If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence relationship, I ask that you please find help, maybe not for yourself but definitely for your children. 

                                     

                                     

                                     

How is humor a sign of depression?

The tragic death of the beloved Robin Williams has everyone asking "how?" Robin starred in many magnificent movie roles and was well known for his on screen talents. As with any national figure who has passed, you turn on the TV, radio or search through Facebook and everyone is in mourning, trying to collect the pieces. The question remains, how could a famous comedian be depressed to the point of suicide?

This answer begins with our definition or stereotype of depression. If you ask most of us, a depressed person is described as someone who exhibits the following: shyness, loss of interest, speaks minimally, isolates, sadness, tears, anger, poor appearance, has trouble eating or sleeping, does not smile or even laugh. Even though the above is true for most depressed clients, it is only a generalization. Depression can be masked or hidden if we really try to not make it apparent. This hidden depression is extremely dangerous since family, friends and loved ones are unaware of possible underlying symptoms. 

Someone who is depressed does not necessarily have to be honest about it and may use humor to cover a very sad truth. Humor and laughter are emotions quite opposite from sadness or anger which are typically associated with depression. For Robin Williams laughter was his way of coping with his true loneliness and despair. Some depressed clients, believe facing true and uncomfortable emotions is too frightening and they would rather just avoid any sorrow. Unfortunately, Robin used humor as his coping skill and all too well. 

As grief stricken fans, now all we can do is learn, hope and become more aware of depression symptoms. Depression can lead to suicide and depression does not always fit a stereotype. Do not be fooled by those around you who may seem to have it all, many people hide their true emotions for their own self protection. Being vulnerable and learning to face our demons without humor can be a true feat in itself. 

You got into college, now what?

As a high school senior you were on top of the food chain, you knew your school like the back of your hand and you were comfortable. Now the month is upon us, the fall college semester begins soon. Some of you are heading to schools where you will be one of thousands of students, others are heading to small schools in which you will be one of hundreds. Either way your questions about college and anxiety are related. 

Here are some ways to ease your mind and look forward to your first day of college: 

1. Purchase the essentials: Show up to class prepared and ready to take notes (even if it is the first day of class). In college professors will expect you to always be prepared to learn, there is no movie day or freebie. 

2. Go explore the campus: Learn where your dorm is, the nearest dining halls and where your classes are. Learn to take the bus and time how long you take to reach your destination. This will help you plan how much time you have between classes. 

3. Get to know your professors: You do not have to take them to lunch, but introduce yourself and research their ratings on www.ratemyprofessor.com or a similar website. This will make you aware of their teaching style and personality. 

4. Get to know your roommates: Hang out, go out to eat and ask them about themselves. Your roommates will be a great part of your college experience (they still are a great part of my life). You will be living with them so make the best of it and become friends. 

5. Have a schedule: Write down and plan out your day (from start to finish). This will help ease your stress and increase your timeliness. You can add lunch, time with friends, work out time, study hours and quizzes to all fit your schedule. 

Prepare yourself for a year of learning, fun and exciting new ventures! College is what you make of it, take one day at a time and do not overwhelm yourself with useless anxieties. 

Parents have no fear, August is here!

As the days of the new school year are slowly approaching, the summer calm is winding down. Parents are excited for their children to leave the house and be back at school. As much as I hear parents cheering, their children are not. Now if we could all just be on the same page? 

Here are some great ways for everyone to slowly transition back to school while still being in the "summer" mindset!

1. Set an adjusted bed time: Simulating a "school night" bed time prior to the start of school, will help your family begin to feel as if back to school is almost here. This is a tool to ease your kids in transitioning to an ideal bed time!

2. Schedule a time for homework: Many kids have to read books or complete projects during summer break. Right now would be a great time to make sure these assignments are completed and will be turned in on time. Sit with your kids, ask them to schedule a couple of hours a day for school work during their last summer weeks. If no homework needs to be completed, assign them homework assignments (you can find simulated school worksheets online). 

3. Plan back to school snacks: This can help ease children back to their school routine and increase their excitement for the new school year. Talk about healthy and tasty snacks that they may enjoy eating their first week back at school. This will give them something to look forward to! 

4. Go back to school shopping: For many children this is the best part of back to school. The new sneakers, shirts, notebooks and markers. Plan a budget together and go shopping together! Encourage your child to pick out an agenda book and notebooks, that they can use to start the year in an organized fashion. 

5. Explore the school: This is a must if your child will be attending a new school! It will help calm their nerves on the first day of class. Go tour the school together and find where their class is, the nearest bathrooms, office and lunch room. 

6. Talk about making and keeping friends: Discussing with your child how to meet new friends and maintain old friends is a social skill that they can always have handy. Practice meeting new kids through role-plays, to help calm their anxiety. Some children are more excited about meeting new friends and will use this as motivation for wanting to go back to school. 

Make these last weeks a back to school practice, by reminding your child of all the positive activities that await this new school year!

Back to School Series

For all my families (yes, that means you moms and dads) and college students, I am starting a back to school series blog for the month of August! This is in celebration and preparation for the school year to come. It will feature tips, how to's and topics related to back to school needs for children, adolescents and young adults. I will also be offering a referral based discount this month to clients who refer a friend or family member (not living in the same house)!  Stay tuned for more back to school learning. 

Save the Play Dates!

Calling another mom to plan a play date for your child does not seem out the ordinary. Sure it is probably not the way we were raised but times are changing and the way we communicate is evolving. I recently discovered that a dad blogger posted his reasons for wanting to vanish play dates for children!  He argued that children who are involved in play dates lack the ability to be spontaneous or that the word "date" just gives parents the wrong idea. 

Here is why I am pro play date:

1. Play dates do not cause children to lack spontaneity: Kids on play dates are still free to choose the activities they play and how they play. They are free to build a forts, play dress up or make believe they are super heroes. 

2. Play date planning teaches children to be organized: This is a skill many children (and teens) are lacking nowadays. By planning and showing/teaching your child why planning is important, your child will be able to model and apply this skill. Do not always plan for them, plan with your children! 

3. Play dates do not have to be an adult social gathering: Having one parent who rotates and plans to have five children (at most and not all day) is something most parents would be willing to accept. This can mean every parent has some time to his/her to do list or to just relax! 

4. Play dates teach children to socialize: Many children are lacking even mediocre social skills (due to being surrounded with technology all day). By having a play date children can learn to communicate verbally, resolve problems in person and speak up for themselves. 

5. Play dates can give children a break from technology: Today children are growing up with at least two to three forms of daily access to technology. Kids are either on the Ipad, a game system, computer, smart phone or TV.  Having a chance to play with other kids instead of being inside becoming best friends with their virtual game is a great way for them to grow and evolve! 

6. Play dates can benefit children who otherwise would not take a social risk: Children with autism and ADHD are too predominant groups of kids who would not typically befriend or take a chance in making new friends. By gathering with other kids during play dates they have a chance to learn communication techniques and experience friendships. 

Encourage your children to go out, plan, socialize and leave technology behind! Do not get carried away, play dates do not have to be over planned. Simply schedule, get together and let your child learn, be creative and have some time to just be kids!

Are you aware of your teen's Self Esteem?

As parents most of you believe you are in touch with your teen and would be able to tell if there was a problem growing at school or at home. One of the easiest ways to be aware about how your teen is feeling is to pay attention to how self confident they are feeling or acting.  Is your teen isolated, have little to no friends, are they talkative, are they moody or do you simply not know any of these answers? 

If you are unsure of your teen's self esteem level, here are some steps you can take to learn about their self confidence: 

1. Keep an open dialect: Ask, listen and summarize when you have conversations. This will help establish trust and keep your relationship growing. If they are answering poorly or barely answering, they may be hiding their low self esteem. If they are talking to you, you can learn about their self esteem just by listening.  

2. Meet their friends: They spend about half their time at school with their friends. Ask them to invite friends over, meet their friends and get to know them. Learn what their hobbies and interests are. Are your teens friends involve din drug use or sexual activity? If yes, this can be a sign of low self esteem. Judge as a parent how your teen is choosing friends and if they are genuine. 

3. Be observant: Look for signs of unhappiness, worry, sadness or anger. Mood swings to a certain extent are common in teens but if it is prolonged or excessive this can be a sign of anxiety or depression. 

Use the above steps to recognize your teens self esteem. Repeat the steps until you see that your teen is confident, if you see warning signs that your teen has low self esteem do not feel frustrated. Pick up the phone and do not hesitate to contact a professional! 

Three Steps to Communicating Effectively as a Parent

One of the most basic steps we work on as a family in therapy is communication. The benefits of being able to talk and grow as a family serve as a model for future relationships. By modeling communication skills parents can teach children and teens how to talk about feelings, opinions and more personal topics. 

1. Listen: Learning to listen is difficult for most people. We tend to assume we know what the other person is going to say and we jump to conclusions in our head. Learning to be present oriented and just simply listen is a skill that will take practice. 

2. Be positive: Do not attack, yell or lose your temper. This will get you nowhere fast. Talk calmly, with positive words and do not lose your temper. This will make your child or teen more responsive and help motivate them to listen to you. 

3. Do not try and solve: Many parents want to tell their children or teens what to do. This is a strategy that is bound to fail. Think about it, do you like being told what to do? They don't either! Try to not solve problems but learn to understand what your child or teen is saying (unless it is an emergency.) 

Please use the steps above to create a loving home with respect and positive communication. This will encourage your child or teen to want to talk to you about more personal topics. 

Four Things I Learned as a Newlywed

My life has changed after being married to my husband for almost two years and dating him for about seven. I can say we have shared some wonderful moments together and some not so great times as well. Being young adults has given us an opportunity to grow, learn and thrive together. Many of us know relationships are hard work, marriage is no exception. Here is what I have learned (so far) as a newlywed: 

1. Using the word marriage does add pressure: As much as you want to believe "nothing will change" and "it is just like dating, except you live together." Well no, marriage is a commitment and as any other commitment you do noticeably try harder. This pressure is not completely negative and it does have rewarding moments. Like when you need someone to come help change your tire, give you advice or vent about a long day at work. My husband is always there; he is the most wonderful, caring and loving man! 

2. You will agree to disagree: Not always agreeing is typical, but now the conversations or topics may not be so light and fluffy. Disagreements will happen regarding houses, cars, babies, puppies, holidays and everything in between. Learn to talk and listen to one another. You can reach agreements by caring, being understanding and empathetic. I try to not forget why I am married in the first place!

3. You will learn to put the other person first: No matter how selfish you once were, you will change. Cooking (despite not enjoying it), going to see his favorite band, going to his favorite hang out, watching his TV shows (and much more) are all things that will change for the better. This change will be equal for both of you, you will notice he will put you first too!  

4. Happiness is what you make of it: Not everyday will be great, stress will always be present. Your view points will change, you will change jobs, you will have new friends, you will go back to school and your childhood family will have disagreements. Learning to see the bright side of things can help you foster a positive relationship, grow and learn (no matter the stress.) 

The first year of marriage is not easy, it is not for everyone but it is for me! Everyday I choose to be happy and committed in my marriage. I make this commitment despite the pressures, disagreements, selfishness, ups and downs of my everyday life. 

Stop Procrastinating and Start Accomplishing

We have all had those days when we have done the impossible to not finish a college paper, go to work or complete a daunting task! We would much rather be enjoying ourselves passing the time watching our favorite TV show, playing on Face Book, cleaning or going out. What if somehow we could stop prolonging and just start doing? 

Here are four easy ways to start accomplishing: 

1. Stop being so impulsive: You have to balance the positives and negatives (of completing and not completing the task.) Taking some time to think about your decision can contribute to you making a more positive decision. 

2. Find some other alternative for the short term "high" of procrastination: You may recognize the feeling as a boost of emotions, anxiety and exhaustion. Believe it or not this can be addicting but finding another positive alternative can help decrease your craving for the procrastination "high." 

3. Practice self control: Learning to balance responsibilities by planning tasks that need to be completed is a step in the right direction. This comes with practice and recalling what your responsibilities are. 

4. Visualize completing the task: This will help you picture yourself accomplishing your goal. It is beneficial to focus on the end product and reward. This is important for you to gain motivation! 

Remember to not be intimidated by your task, getting started is the fastest way to reaching the end! 

Six Ways for a Fun Filled Family Summer

The kids are out of school and you are looking for ways to keep them busy this summer! Taking the summer break to reunite as a family is an excellent opportunity. If you are like most families, not everyone will agree on all the same summer activities. Nevertheless, take the time to vote on family activities that will help make everyone happy!

1. Have a technology free weekend: This is a great way to connect as a family and talk about current events. Make sure everyone (yes, including you) turns in all electronic devices and they are turned off. This will help everyone to communicate, talk, listen and interact with one another. 

2. Find an activity everyone can enjoy: Vote on activities in your city that sound interesting or enjoyable. Pick two or three and go visit/complete them as a family. Take pictures and make it a memorable family bonding opportunity!

3. Exercise as a family: Go out for a walk, run or bike ride as a family. Teach your children that exercising can be fun! Getting into a routine exercising as a family this summer will help continue this routine once school starts. 

4. Relax during a stay-cation: Enjoy some time as a family in your city. Pass the time going around visiting places you already enjoy and reconnect with your city. This can also be economical if you choose to not rent a hotel room for the weekend. 

5. Take a road trip: For those of you with a slightly bigger budget, take the family on the road. Go meet new people, visit new places and eat new food. This is a great way to teach your children about geography and sociology. Use the driving time to talk and learn about one another (make it a game).  

6. Try something new (as a family): A new place, experience and memory helps us to unite. This can help everyone bond and increase the trust among family members. Trying something new does not have to be expensive or risky! Find something everyone can participate in.

Enjoy your summer, it will fly by. Make new memories, improve your relationships and make the most of the kids being home. Remember to have a fun filled family summer!

For questions, comments or more information please contact Mrs. Stephanie, Licensed Mental Health Counselor at: serenemindpsych@hotmail.com or www.serenemindpsych.com

Mrs. Stephanie specializes in providing counseling services, through support and guidance catered to one child, adolescent, family and young adult at a time. Mrs. Stephanie has strong family values that assist her in serving children, adolescents, families and young adults. She is dedicated to the psychology field, experienced as a counselor and believes in working with her clients to maintain and improve their mental health. Mrs. Stephanie facilitates counseling therapy sessions in a  friendly, relaxed atmosphere. She believes in educating clients about mental health symptoms, preventative services and working towards eventual session termination (or "graduation"). 

The New Era of Pictures: "Say Selfie"

"Let's take a selfie!" Most of us have used or know of people who use this phrase on a daily basis. This is not necessarily alarming or something you should be concerned with. However, some portion of the population with smart phones and technology are becoming obsessed with selfies. These are the people who are constantly posting pictures, seeking confirmation about their appearance and need praise from others. 

Access to constant social media is a growing concern for adolescents/teens and young adults who experience low self esteem, poor body image, obsessive compulsive disorder and narcissism. Teens and young adults are at a high risk of already having low self esteem and poor body image. Adding selfies to their daily routines for attention on social media is negatively impacting adolescents/teens who are always in search of approval. 

How can we reduce the amount off attention that adolescents/teens or young adults seek from social media? This is not an easy task, but parents can start by increasing the amount of time teens spend away from technology. Uniting as a family during the day without technology, playing outside or simply taking a vacation away from technology are all great ways to promote living in the present moment. Young adults can also choose to spend a portion of time each day without use of technology, find organizations that promote here and now thinking and just spending time socializing with friends in person. 

Increasing self esteem and the self image that teens and young adults have about themselves also can help reduce the selfie dependency. This can be reached with therapy and groups specialized in improving self esteem, social skills and self image. 

Keep taking selfies but lets not make a selfie a day a trend. Get off the computer, make friends in person and find self approval from technology free situations. Finding time to stay focused in the present moment is something we can all work on! 

How to Change Anxious Thoughts

Many people become discouraged by intrusive thoughts. It can lead to questioning how we are performing, how we view ourselves and what others think of us. Anxious thoughts can be prolonging you from succeeding in your everyday life. Sometimes we underestimate the power of a thought. What some people may not realize is that your thinking, feeling and behavior are all an equilibrium. Fortunately you can change your thoughts before they spiral out of control!

Here are some ways you can stop anxious thoughts:

1. Recognize how you are feeling 

2. Do not avoid the anxious thoughts 

3. Try to reason and logic with your thoughts 

4. Take small steps each day to reduce your fears

5. Practice being in the "here and now"

6. Repeat and keep changing, little by little everyday 

10 Parenting Tips for Children & Adolescents with ADHD

1. Organize yourself: Place backpacks, clothing and toys in the same place everyday 

2. Avoid becoming distracted: Do not turn on the TV, MP3 or computer while completing another task 

3. Limit your choices: Offer children a choice between no more than two items (food, clothing, toy...) 

4. Communicate tasks as simple as possible: Use clear, brief and concise directions 

5. Have a reward system: Use charts and list realistic attainable goals and track positive behavior

6. Discipline effectively: Do not use spanking or yelling, instead have limited timeouts and remove privileges as a consequence 

7. Have a routine: Follow the most similar structure daily 

8. Use positive language: Tell your child what you want them to do, not what you want them to not do 

9.  Do not blame: Blaming children will negatively impact their self esteem 

10. Be hands on: Have fun, play outside and save some time during the day for just your child (no distractions) 

Relationship Love Bank

All couples experience disagreements, this is a part of being two different people with emotional needs. What if there was a way to improve your relationships by using the balance of giving and taking everyday? 

You are in luck, there is such a thing! The concept of a "love bank" can be applied to how many times love is deposited and withdrawn from your relationship. Deposits can be compliments, actions, words of kindness, spending time together and positive ways in which you make your partner feel special. The withdrawals on the other hand are harsh, negative criticisms, attacks and insults. In order to maintain a well balanced "love bank" you must have more deposits daily rather than withdrawals. 

Now, what if a withdrawal is made and it is irreparable? This is a possibility with couples who have experienced a trauma, such as infidelity. The couple must decide if the relationship is worth fighting for and if the "love bank" can be once again filled. In this instance couples therapy can assist with the couples decision making to reflect each persons needs. 

Depositing into your own love bank and spending time with your own friends is also necessary for your relationship. Find time for your own interests and take time to connect with yourself outside of your partner. This will help you feel more complete and may lead to wanting to spend more time with your partner after you miss them. 

The "love bank" concept can help couples during negative times. Having increased positive deposits can make you a stronger couple and may make difficult moments more bearable. Depositing positive memories into your relationship "love bank" can help you and your partner feel more emotionally connected. 

Body Language and First Impressions

First impressions matter, whether you are going to a job interview or a first date. People form an impression upon meeting you which is almost irreversible. If you cross your arms during your first meeting, you may unwillingly always be labeled as closed and angry.  Our body language can make or break a job interview or first date for us. 

Fortunately, there are ways to improve your non-verbal signs to make you seem more desirable. First, mirroring or copying someones behavior can help you create a non-verbal connection. This shows the person you are open and will help you to establish rapport. 

Eye contact is also important and signals that you are paying attention. Socially we look at people when we address them to establish that we are confident and not lying. By looking at each other in the eye you are creating a deeper relationship based on trust. 

Finally, framing or standing in front of a group can also signal confidence. We want to "frame" ourselves, just as if we were a valuable picture or painting. Framing can occur by standing in front and in between a group. You will be the center of the group and this will make you seem more powerful and confident.  How we enter a room is also important. While walking in through a door way pause, stand confident with a firm posture and your arms open to seem inviting yet confident. 

Body language is an everyday part of our socialization. Sometimes we forget the importance of our non-verbal cues and this has powerful consequences. Practice your inviting,  confident body language and you will succeed. 

Anxiety to Blame for Miss Utah's Poor Answer

Many of us do not speak in front of a group of people on a daily basis and it takes practice to develop this skill. On Sunday, Miss Utah had to address a room full of audience members and a national TV audience regarding a questions which asked about fair pay for women. She answered, what seemed to be a not very well thought out phrase, "I think we can relate this back to education and how we are continuing to try to strive to figure out how to create jobs right now. That’s the biggest problem and I think, especially the men are, um, seen as the leaders of this and so we need to try to figure out how to create education better so that we can solve this problem. Thank you." 

What does this even mean? Well according to research the explanation is anxiety. Anxiety is a component of the "fight or flight response." This means our brain senses danger, even if the danger is not real and we become anxious. It is not something we can just snap out of and in the moment the danger can seem very real.  Our pupils begin to dilate, blood stops flowing to non-vital organs, our heart rate increases, breathing increases, blood glucose levels rise and adrenaline is released. 

This is not a new discovery, our bodies have been doing this since the beginning of time. It was a defense mechanism for our ancestors who would have to hunt and survive in the wild. The only difference is that now our "fight or flight" response kicks in when we may not need it, lets face many of us do not need to run away from dangerous situations on a daily basis. People who experience an anxiety attack are having a "fight or flight" response and may not even realize it. 

Although, most of us blame Miss Utah's ability to speak on purely her cognitive ability. This may not have been as important as the anxiety she was experiencing in the moment. Let us not jump to conclusions but try to reduce our own anxiety by recognizing the power in "fight or flight." 

The Importance of Fathers

Fathers are an important part of a child's development and there is an increasing trend of men being more involved with raising their children. Research has supported how important a father's involvement is in the self esteem, emotional stability, and mental health of a child. Many children who do not have support from their fathers' have been found to have difficulty with psychological adjustment, delinquency and substance abuse. 

Today, more dads spend more time cooking, playing and educating their children. For a child, a father is a male role model and their first example of how a man should act and think. Although, traditionally a mother's role has been seen with up most importance,  the same is true for fathers. Fathers have a special part to play in a family and in a child's development.

Being a Consistent Parent

Consistency is one of the many tools that parents need to carry in their tool box. Children need a structured and safe environment to grow in. Having parents who are consistent with rules, rewards and punishments helps to instill desired behavior in children. When children learn to predict a behavior has a consequence and this consequence is ALWAYS enforced, the child will grasp the idea that consequences do exist as a result of my behavior. 

It becomes confusing to children when mommy and daddy are both enforcing different rules or have a separate set of punishments all together. This confusion in children can cause an uproar of protest and rebellion may follow. As parents we have the responsibility to sit with each other and agree on a consistent parenting method for the benefit of our children. If a child can feel safe and predict outcomes in his/her environment it will reduce unwanted behavior; increase self esteem and responsibility. 

What is the difference between PMS and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 (the updated guide mental health professionals use in diagnosing mental health disorders) is now out! A controversial disorder that is new to this edition is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. This is a disorder specific to women that is said to appear in women prior to a menstrual cycle. It includes symptoms of moodiness, edginess, cramps and feeling bloated. Most of us would define this as PMS!

So why is it now a disorder and do I have this? Experts are saying Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is not equivalent to PMS and is much more severe. In order for a woman to be diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder she must have five of the following symptoms for at least a year (* with at least one of these symptoms included):

Irritability*

Mood swings*

Loss of interest in activities

Difficulty concentrating

Lack of energy

Depressed mood or hopelessness*

Tension or anxiety*

Sleep changes

Appetite changes

Feeling out of control or overwhelmed

Physical symptoms, such as bloating

Although Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is not PMS, it is easy to see how we can jump to conclusions and feel targeted as women. Do not be afraid to research and ask questions about controversial diagnosis, knowledge will help us become more aware and empowered.