New Year, New You

This New Year do you have a resolution to be healthier, happier and to focus on the positive? Now that we are near the end of January your motivation may be dwindling. You may be starting to make excuses and prolong working out, letting negative people influence your decisions or focusing on negative events that you feel are out of your control. If you are feeling this way, you are not alone! Like many of us, you need to regain focus, set realistic goals and feel accountable. 

1. Make time for your goals: You have to plan time everyday to focus on your goals. Make a schedule for yourself and create a routine. Having a schedule will make your goals that much easier to accomplish.  

2. Set goals that are attainable and specific: Create goals that start small and that you can progress with (Ex: Walk around the block and make progress towards running a 5K). Make a list of rewards to help motivate you to complete your goals (Earn a cheat meal, a new clothing item, a glass of wine). Write down your goal details and track your progress, you will stay focused even when you feel least motivated.  

3. Share your goals with others: This will hold you accountable for your goals and success. Tell your friends and family what your goals are and ask them to help you stay on track. It will help them feel included and encourage them to give you positive feedback. Everyone needs a cheerleader!

You can make a change for yourself this year by dedicating yourself to maintaining your goals! Do not let yourself become discouraged, your great work will not go unnoticed. Keep your focus, set yourself up for success and build a great support network. 

What Domestic Violence Really Teaches Children

Domestic violence is a private matter that has been brought into the public eye much in part to the NFL and the poor decisions of some football players. Many of us have heard the story about Ray Rice's wife and about their troubled marriage. Much of the talk about domestic violence is usually spent discussing what the parents are experiencing and although this is important, I ask "what about the kids?" Many people do not realize how domestic violence impacts a child's physical, mental and emotional development. 

By witnessing domestic violence a child can learn.....   

that hitting or yelling at others is an appropriate way of communicating 

hitting or yelling equals respect 

by hitting or yelling other people listen to you

physical strength is more important than anything else

to have difficulty trusting other adults and parents

to fight peers at school and break things at home

that a foundation for a relationship is fighting 

in all relationships someone must be submissive

physical strength is emotional strength

that all men or women are violent (depending on who is the abuser) 

the poor ability to cope with stress or anxiety 

the poor ability to resolve problems without fighting or arguing 

to have low self esteem related to self blame for the domestic violence

to be afraid when other people are yelling around the 

to hide their problems in the face of fear 

to not trust mom and dad since they can barely trust themselves 

to be insecure with themselves and others 

and that all adults are violent people  

Domestic violence is violence against a family unit, everyone is impacted. Children are very much affected by what they see and hear at home. A simple verbal argument among adults can start a downward spiral in their young minds. If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence relationship, I ask that you please find help, maybe not for yourself but definitely for your children. 

                                     

                                     

                                     

Parents have no fear, August is here!

As the days of the new school year are slowly approaching, the summer calm is winding down. Parents are excited for their children to leave the house and be back at school. As much as I hear parents cheering, their children are not. Now if we could all just be on the same page? 

Here are some great ways for everyone to slowly transition back to school while still being in the "summer" mindset!

1. Set an adjusted bed time: Simulating a "school night" bed time prior to the start of school, will help your family begin to feel as if back to school is almost here. This is a tool to ease your kids in transitioning to an ideal bed time!

2. Schedule a time for homework: Many kids have to read books or complete projects during summer break. Right now would be a great time to make sure these assignments are completed and will be turned in on time. Sit with your kids, ask them to schedule a couple of hours a day for school work during their last summer weeks. If no homework needs to be completed, assign them homework assignments (you can find simulated school worksheets online). 

3. Plan back to school snacks: This can help ease children back to their school routine and increase their excitement for the new school year. Talk about healthy and tasty snacks that they may enjoy eating their first week back at school. This will give them something to look forward to! 

4. Go back to school shopping: For many children this is the best part of back to school. The new sneakers, shirts, notebooks and markers. Plan a budget together and go shopping together! Encourage your child to pick out an agenda book and notebooks, that they can use to start the year in an organized fashion. 

5. Explore the school: This is a must if your child will be attending a new school! It will help calm their nerves on the first day of class. Go tour the school together and find where their class is, the nearest bathrooms, office and lunch room. 

6. Talk about making and keeping friends: Discussing with your child how to meet new friends and maintain old friends is a social skill that they can always have handy. Practice meeting new kids through role-plays, to help calm their anxiety. Some children are more excited about meeting new friends and will use this as motivation for wanting to go back to school. 

Make these last weeks a back to school practice, by reminding your child of all the positive activities that await this new school year!

Back to School Series

For all my families (yes, that means you moms and dads) and college students, I am starting a back to school series blog for the month of August! This is in celebration and preparation for the school year to come. It will feature tips, how to's and topics related to back to school needs for children, adolescents and young adults. I will also be offering a referral based discount this month to clients who refer a friend or family member (not living in the same house)!  Stay tuned for more back to school learning. 

Save the Play Dates!

Calling another mom to plan a play date for your child does not seem out the ordinary. Sure it is probably not the way we were raised but times are changing and the way we communicate is evolving. I recently discovered that a dad blogger posted his reasons for wanting to vanish play dates for children!  He argued that children who are involved in play dates lack the ability to be spontaneous or that the word "date" just gives parents the wrong idea. 

Here is why I am pro play date:

1. Play dates do not cause children to lack spontaneity: Kids on play dates are still free to choose the activities they play and how they play. They are free to build a forts, play dress up or make believe they are super heroes. 

2. Play date planning teaches children to be organized: This is a skill many children (and teens) are lacking nowadays. By planning and showing/teaching your child why planning is important, your child will be able to model and apply this skill. Do not always plan for them, plan with your children! 

3. Play dates do not have to be an adult social gathering: Having one parent who rotates and plans to have five children (at most and not all day) is something most parents would be willing to accept. This can mean every parent has some time to his/her to do list or to just relax! 

4. Play dates teach children to socialize: Many children are lacking even mediocre social skills (due to being surrounded with technology all day). By having a play date children can learn to communicate verbally, resolve problems in person and speak up for themselves. 

5. Play dates can give children a break from technology: Today children are growing up with at least two to three forms of daily access to technology. Kids are either on the Ipad, a game system, computer, smart phone or TV.  Having a chance to play with other kids instead of being inside becoming best friends with their virtual game is a great way for them to grow and evolve! 

6. Play dates can benefit children who otherwise would not take a social risk: Children with autism and ADHD are too predominant groups of kids who would not typically befriend or take a chance in making new friends. By gathering with other kids during play dates they have a chance to learn communication techniques and experience friendships. 

Encourage your children to go out, plan, socialize and leave technology behind! Do not get carried away, play dates do not have to be over planned. Simply schedule, get together and let your child learn, be creative and have some time to just be kids!

Three Steps to Communicating Effectively as a Parent

One of the most basic steps we work on as a family in therapy is communication. The benefits of being able to talk and grow as a family serve as a model for future relationships. By modeling communication skills parents can teach children and teens how to talk about feelings, opinions and more personal topics. 

1. Listen: Learning to listen is difficult for most people. We tend to assume we know what the other person is going to say and we jump to conclusions in our head. Learning to be present oriented and just simply listen is a skill that will take practice. 

2. Be positive: Do not attack, yell or lose your temper. This will get you nowhere fast. Talk calmly, with positive words and do not lose your temper. This will make your child or teen more responsive and help motivate them to listen to you. 

3. Do not try and solve: Many parents want to tell their children or teens what to do. This is a strategy that is bound to fail. Think about it, do you like being told what to do? They don't either! Try to not solve problems but learn to understand what your child or teen is saying (unless it is an emergency.) 

Please use the steps above to create a loving home with respect and positive communication. This will encourage your child or teen to want to talk to you about more personal topics. 

Six Ways for a Fun Filled Family Summer

The kids are out of school and you are looking for ways to keep them busy this summer! Taking the summer break to reunite as a family is an excellent opportunity. If you are like most families, not everyone will agree on all the same summer activities. Nevertheless, take the time to vote on family activities that will help make everyone happy!

1. Have a technology free weekend: This is a great way to connect as a family and talk about current events. Make sure everyone (yes, including you) turns in all electronic devices and they are turned off. This will help everyone to communicate, talk, listen and interact with one another. 

2. Find an activity everyone can enjoy: Vote on activities in your city that sound interesting or enjoyable. Pick two or three and go visit/complete them as a family. Take pictures and make it a memorable family bonding opportunity!

3. Exercise as a family: Go out for a walk, run or bike ride as a family. Teach your children that exercising can be fun! Getting into a routine exercising as a family this summer will help continue this routine once school starts. 

4. Relax during a stay-cation: Enjoy some time as a family in your city. Pass the time going around visiting places you already enjoy and reconnect with your city. This can also be economical if you choose to not rent a hotel room for the weekend. 

5. Take a road trip: For those of you with a slightly bigger budget, take the family on the road. Go meet new people, visit new places and eat new food. This is a great way to teach your children about geography and sociology. Use the driving time to talk and learn about one another (make it a game).  

6. Try something new (as a family): A new place, experience and memory helps us to unite. This can help everyone bond and increase the trust among family members. Trying something new does not have to be expensive or risky! Find something everyone can participate in.

Enjoy your summer, it will fly by. Make new memories, improve your relationships and make the most of the kids being home. Remember to have a fun filled family summer!

For questions, comments or more information please contact Mrs. Stephanie, Licensed Mental Health Counselor at: serenemindpsych@hotmail.com or www.serenemindpsych.com

Mrs. Stephanie specializes in providing counseling services, through support and guidance catered to one child, adolescent, family and young adult at a time. Mrs. Stephanie has strong family values that assist her in serving children, adolescents, families and young adults. She is dedicated to the psychology field, experienced as a counselor and believes in working with her clients to maintain and improve their mental health. Mrs. Stephanie facilitates counseling therapy sessions in a  friendly, relaxed atmosphere. She believes in educating clients about mental health symptoms, preventative services and working towards eventual session termination (or "graduation"). 

Does spanking children really work?

Spanking a child teaches them fear and increases violence, it does not increase obedience. The fear instilled in children after spanking does not mean your child will respect you or listen to you anymore than before. In fact fear creates insecurities, has a negative impact on child development and children begin to question their self worth. This eventually can lead to low self esteem and possible depression, not just in childhood years but later on during adolescence. 

I am a strong believer in using behavioral methods and praise to increase a child's positive behavior. The best way to teach children to listen and be respectful is by reinforcing positive behaviors, praising good behavior and giving attention to your child for the behavior you want to see. By giving your child love and attention, they will want to please you and they will reciprocate the positive emotions. This teaches self control, positive social skills and emotional regulation. 

Parents who believe in spanking are choosing this method for a variety of reasons including: it was done to them, they believe it is a form of teaching, they are not aware of the negative effects on child development due to spanking and they simply feel behavioral techniques do not work for their child. All of the above reasons are excuses, educate yourself and realize that spanking only teaches children to hit and be violent. The last thing we should want for our children is for them to grow up thinking that hitting and hurting equals respect or love. 

Eat Dinner as a Family

Many of us live hectic lives and have little to no time to dine together as a family. We have more time to tweet, post on Facebook or text it seems. Less families are putting technology aside and sitting down for dinner while having meaningful conversations. 

Around the dinner table families are able to share stories about their day and gain stronger connections to one another. The time we spend with our children is crucial in their development. They learn social cues, norms and values from modeling our behavior. 

Research also supports that family dinners: decrease childhood obesity, families eat healthier in general, adolescents are less likely to engage in risky behavior, children and adolescents have stronger relationships with their parents. It is also found that children and adolescents also want to spend time as a family eating meals together. 

Eating dinner together is a great way to connect with one another during our busy days! Here is a link for the Family Dinner Challenge, to help you and your family get started in dining together: http://www.thescramble.com/family-dinner-challenge/

Back to School

Yes, it is that time of year again! Moms and dads everywhere are cheering with joy. Back to school is here! In honor of this season I have found some great apps for parents and kids to stay organized and focused this school year.

This app is compared to having a personal assistant. It organizes anything you may need and you can take your items anywhere. Examples include: recipes, photos, notes, plan a party and manage home or work tasks. Visit: https://springpad.com/about

For the teen who needs structure and organization. This app assists teens in organizing class schedules, exam dates, homework, and level of difficulty of each assignment. Great tool for teens who need some task management in their lives. Visit: http://www.heapnote.com/students.html#.Uh5fOhvNk8f

Is your child artistic, do you have no room left on your refrigerator to display your child's art work? This app was made for you! Just upload your child's art work and create an art book to display all of the works of art in an organized fashion. Visit: http://www.artkiveapp.com/

Make learning fun for kids or teens! Two great apps with the purpose of teaching. Learn with Homer is interactive, fun and great for kids learning to read. Visit: http://learnwithhomer.com/
For the teen in your life, Vocabador is an interactive wrestling vocabulary game. It boasts that it helps prepare test takers for exams such as the SAT and GRE. Visit: http://www.vocabador.com/

I hope these apps make your transition to the school season a little more enjoyable! 

The Importance of Fathers

Fathers are an important part of a child's development and there is an increasing trend of men being more involved with raising their children. Research has supported how important a father's involvement is in the self esteem, emotional stability, and mental health of a child. Many children who do not have support from their fathers' have been found to have difficulty with psychological adjustment, delinquency and substance abuse. 

Today, more dads spend more time cooking, playing and educating their children. For a child, a father is a male role model and their first example of how a man should act and think. Although, traditionally a mother's role has been seen with up most importance,  the same is true for fathers. Fathers have a special part to play in a family and in a child's development.

Being a Consistent Parent

Consistency is one of the many tools that parents need to carry in their tool box. Children need a structured and safe environment to grow in. Having parents who are consistent with rules, rewards and punishments helps to instill desired behavior in children. When children learn to predict a behavior has a consequence and this consequence is ALWAYS enforced, the child will grasp the idea that consequences do exist as a result of my behavior. 

It becomes confusing to children when mommy and daddy are both enforcing different rules or have a separate set of punishments all together. This confusion in children can cause an uproar of protest and rebellion may follow. As parents we have the responsibility to sit with each other and agree on a consistent parenting method for the benefit of our children. If a child can feel safe and predict outcomes in his/her environment it will reduce unwanted behavior; increase self esteem and responsibility. 

Children Coping with Tragedies

It is important to remember not all children are alike and many children may experience a range of symptoms related to a tragedy. In order to help your child cope you must first understand what your child is feeling, help comfort them and help them feel safe.

Recently the Moore, Oklahoma tornado impacted the lives of many children and families. Parents and teachers were frantic trying to keep themselves calm while trying to instill safety and hope in their children.

After the tornado, children have felt the need to be comforted. Children will ask questions when they are prepared to and as adults it is important that we are aware of this. Do not pressure the child to talk about the event, since that may minimize the willingness of them to talk openly. When answering questions, be honest and age appropriate, as to avoid instilling any unnecessary fear in the child.

As a parent it is important to keep the line of conversation open and inviting to your child. This will provide your child with comfort and reassurance. Do not become an over emotional parent yourself; try to speak to your child with a calm and steady voice. If you openly share your experience with your child this will make you sound more inviting and help build trust in your parent-child relationship.

More Counseling therapy tools for adolescents, couples, parents and families coming soon!