Does spanking children really work?

Spanking a child teaches them fear and increases violence, it does not increase obedience. The fear instilled in children after spanking does not mean your child will respect you or listen to you anymore than before. In fact fear creates insecurities, has a negative impact on child development and children begin to question their self worth. This eventually can lead to low self esteem and possible depression, not just in childhood years but later on during adolescence. 

I am a strong believer in using behavioral methods and praise to increase a child's positive behavior. The best way to teach children to listen and be respectful is by reinforcing positive behaviors, praising good behavior and giving attention to your child for the behavior you want to see. By giving your child love and attention, they will want to please you and they will reciprocate the positive emotions. This teaches self control, positive social skills and emotional regulation. 

Parents who believe in spanking are choosing this method for a variety of reasons including: it was done to them, they believe it is a form of teaching, they are not aware of the negative effects on child development due to spanking and they simply feel behavioral techniques do not work for their child. All of the above reasons are excuses, educate yourself and realize that spanking only teaches children to hit and be violent. The last thing we should want for our children is for them to grow up thinking that hitting and hurting equals respect or love. 

Eat Dinner as a Family

Many of us live hectic lives and have little to no time to dine together as a family. We have more time to tweet, post on Facebook or text it seems. Less families are putting technology aside and sitting down for dinner while having meaningful conversations. 

Around the dinner table families are able to share stories about their day and gain stronger connections to one another. The time we spend with our children is crucial in their development. They learn social cues, norms and values from modeling our behavior. 

Research also supports that family dinners: decrease childhood obesity, families eat healthier in general, adolescents are less likely to engage in risky behavior, children and adolescents have stronger relationships with their parents. It is also found that children and adolescents also want to spend time as a family eating meals together. 

Eating dinner together is a great way to connect with one another during our busy days! Here is a link for the Family Dinner Challenge, to help you and your family get started in dining together: http://www.thescramble.com/family-dinner-challenge/

Relationship Love Bank

All couples experience disagreements, this is a part of being two different people with emotional needs. What if there was a way to improve your relationships by using the balance of giving and taking everyday? 

You are in luck, there is such a thing! The concept of a "love bank" can be applied to how many times love is deposited and withdrawn from your relationship. Deposits can be compliments, actions, words of kindness, spending time together and positive ways in which you make your partner feel special. The withdrawals on the other hand are harsh, negative criticisms, attacks and insults. In order to maintain a well balanced "love bank" you must have more deposits daily rather than withdrawals. 

Now, what if a withdrawal is made and it is irreparable? This is a possibility with couples who have experienced a trauma, such as infidelity. The couple must decide if the relationship is worth fighting for and if the "love bank" can be once again filled. In this instance couples therapy can assist with the couples decision making to reflect each persons needs. 

Depositing into your own love bank and spending time with your own friends is also necessary for your relationship. Find time for your own interests and take time to connect with yourself outside of your partner. This will help you feel more complete and may lead to wanting to spend more time with your partner after you miss them. 

The "love bank" concept can help couples during negative times. Having increased positive deposits can make you a stronger couple and may make difficult moments more bearable. Depositing positive memories into your relationship "love bank" can help you and your partner feel more emotionally connected. 

Back to School

Yes, it is that time of year again! Moms and dads everywhere are cheering with joy. Back to school is here! In honor of this season I have found some great apps for parents and kids to stay organized and focused this school year.

This app is compared to having a personal assistant. It organizes anything you may need and you can take your items anywhere. Examples include: recipes, photos, notes, plan a party and manage home or work tasks. Visit: https://springpad.com/about

For the teen who needs structure and organization. This app assists teens in organizing class schedules, exam dates, homework, and level of difficulty of each assignment. Great tool for teens who need some task management in their lives. Visit: http://www.heapnote.com/students.html#.Uh5fOhvNk8f

Is your child artistic, do you have no room left on your refrigerator to display your child's art work? This app was made for you! Just upload your child's art work and create an art book to display all of the works of art in an organized fashion. Visit: http://www.artkiveapp.com/

Make learning fun for kids or teens! Two great apps with the purpose of teaching. Learn with Homer is interactive, fun and great for kids learning to read. Visit: http://learnwithhomer.com/
For the teen in your life, Vocabador is an interactive wrestling vocabulary game. It boasts that it helps prepare test takers for exams such as the SAT and GRE. Visit: http://www.vocabador.com/

I hope these apps make your transition to the school season a little more enjoyable! 

Superstitions, are they helpful?

Miami Heat player, Lebron James lost his headband during game six, last week of the basketball finals. This was an odd sight, since he wears this headband at every game and during every play. It was accidentally knocked off when he went for a basketball shot. James was in the moment and continued playing without the headband. He scored 12 points and dominated the court during those moments. After the game he was asked if he would wear the headband during the final championship game. He said he would, and continued with "I am a little superstitious." 

Lebron is not the only athlete or person to make public superstitious beliefs. Superstitions are created in our minds to gain a sense of control over possible uncertainties. Lebron's uncertainty was the outcome of the Heat winning the championship. As silly as it may sound, his headband kept him grounded and calm. Although Lebron lost his lucky headband he was able to maintain calm and play well. This may demonstrate that he is less in need of his headband then he realizes.  

Superstitions are not all negative and can help in some instances. However, make sure you are aware of your superstitions and do not let them become bigger than you. If you experience tension, excessive worry, difficulty sleeping, obsessive thoughts, exhaustion or repetitive ritual behavior that has grown out of control you may be in need of therapeutic help. 

Body Language and First Impressions

First impressions matter, whether you are going to a job interview or a first date. People form an impression upon meeting you which is almost irreversible. If you cross your arms during your first meeting, you may unwillingly always be labeled as closed and angry.  Our body language can make or break a job interview or first date for us. 

Fortunately, there are ways to improve your non-verbal signs to make you seem more desirable. First, mirroring or copying someones behavior can help you create a non-verbal connection. This shows the person you are open and will help you to establish rapport. 

Eye contact is also important and signals that you are paying attention. Socially we look at people when we address them to establish that we are confident and not lying. By looking at each other in the eye you are creating a deeper relationship based on trust. 

Finally, framing or standing in front of a group can also signal confidence. We want to "frame" ourselves, just as if we were a valuable picture or painting. Framing can occur by standing in front and in between a group. You will be the center of the group and this will make you seem more powerful and confident.  How we enter a room is also important. While walking in through a door way pause, stand confident with a firm posture and your arms open to seem inviting yet confident. 

Body language is an everyday part of our socialization. Sometimes we forget the importance of our non-verbal cues and this has powerful consequences. Practice your inviting,  confident body language and you will succeed. 

Anxiety to Blame for Miss Utah's Poor Answer

Many of us do not speak in front of a group of people on a daily basis and it takes practice to develop this skill. On Sunday, Miss Utah had to address a room full of audience members and a national TV audience regarding a questions which asked about fair pay for women. She answered, what seemed to be a not very well thought out phrase, "I think we can relate this back to education and how we are continuing to try to strive to figure out how to create jobs right now. That’s the biggest problem and I think, especially the men are, um, seen as the leaders of this and so we need to try to figure out how to create education better so that we can solve this problem. Thank you." 

What does this even mean? Well according to research the explanation is anxiety. Anxiety is a component of the "fight or flight response." This means our brain senses danger, even if the danger is not real and we become anxious. It is not something we can just snap out of and in the moment the danger can seem very real.  Our pupils begin to dilate, blood stops flowing to non-vital organs, our heart rate increases, breathing increases, blood glucose levels rise and adrenaline is released. 

This is not a new discovery, our bodies have been doing this since the beginning of time. It was a defense mechanism for our ancestors who would have to hunt and survive in the wild. The only difference is that now our "fight or flight" response kicks in when we may not need it, lets face many of us do not need to run away from dangerous situations on a daily basis. People who experience an anxiety attack are having a "fight or flight" response and may not even realize it. 

Although, most of us blame Miss Utah's ability to speak on purely her cognitive ability. This may not have been as important as the anxiety she was experiencing in the moment. Let us not jump to conclusions but try to reduce our own anxiety by recognizing the power in "fight or flight." 

The Importance of Fathers

Fathers are an important part of a child's development and there is an increasing trend of men being more involved with raising their children. Research has supported how important a father's involvement is in the self esteem, emotional stability, and mental health of a child. Many children who do not have support from their fathers' have been found to have difficulty with psychological adjustment, delinquency and substance abuse. 

Today, more dads spend more time cooking, playing and educating their children. For a child, a father is a male role model and their first example of how a man should act and think. Although, traditionally a mother's role has been seen with up most importance,  the same is true for fathers. Fathers have a special part to play in a family and in a child's development.

Being a Consistent Parent

Consistency is one of the many tools that parents need to carry in their tool box. Children need a structured and safe environment to grow in. Having parents who are consistent with rules, rewards and punishments helps to instill desired behavior in children. When children learn to predict a behavior has a consequence and this consequence is ALWAYS enforced, the child will grasp the idea that consequences do exist as a result of my behavior. 

It becomes confusing to children when mommy and daddy are both enforcing different rules or have a separate set of punishments all together. This confusion in children can cause an uproar of protest and rebellion may follow. As parents we have the responsibility to sit with each other and agree on a consistent parenting method for the benefit of our children. If a child can feel safe and predict outcomes in his/her environment it will reduce unwanted behavior; increase self esteem and responsibility. 

What is the difference between PMS and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 (the updated guide mental health professionals use in diagnosing mental health disorders) is now out! A controversial disorder that is new to this edition is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. This is a disorder specific to women that is said to appear in women prior to a menstrual cycle. It includes symptoms of moodiness, edginess, cramps and feeling bloated. Most of us would define this as PMS!

So why is it now a disorder and do I have this? Experts are saying Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is not equivalent to PMS and is much more severe. In order for a woman to be diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder she must have five of the following symptoms for at least a year (* with at least one of these symptoms included):

Irritability*

Mood swings*

Loss of interest in activities

Difficulty concentrating

Lack of energy

Depressed mood or hopelessness*

Tension or anxiety*

Sleep changes

Appetite changes

Feeling out of control or overwhelmed

Physical symptoms, such as bloating

Although Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is not PMS, it is easy to see how we can jump to conclusions and feel targeted as women. Do not be afraid to research and ask questions about controversial diagnosis, knowledge will help us become more aware and empowered. 

How do you know if you need counseling therapy?

Counseling therapy may be beneficial if you have tried other avenues on your own and have had no success. A problem may be growing out of control, you could be experiencing a loss in interests, you can be feeling on the edge and unpredictable. All these are warning signs that you are not gaining control of your behaviors, thoughts and emotions. 

If your symptoms are becoming worse and you are prolonging contacting a professional, stop and re-think this. A mental health therapist is a professional trained in various therapy modalities who may treat a variety of different symptoms associated with what you are experiencing. Do not be intimidated to ask for help and if you are intimidated, discuss this with your therapist. Asking for help is courageous, and is a sign that you are prepared for personal growth. 

Study Finds Anxiety and Stress Make You Appear More Unattractive

A study conducted in Ireland demonstrated participants agreed that people who appear more anxious also appear to look more unattractive. As busy humans we do have a tendency to worry and to have anxiety. Sometimes this worry turns to a catastrophe, we let our anxiety and negative thoughts get bigger than us. How can we stop our anxiety from expanding and help us appear more attractive? 

First, do not surround yourself with other people who have negative energy. We sometimes do not realize our friends and family convey these negative thoughts of anxiety and this adds to our own anxiety. Learn to pick and choose who you surround yourself with. You have control over who you communicate with on a personal basis and you have the right to ask them to please stop this cycle of negative thoughts. 

Worrying irrationally and negative anxiety is created when we tend to live our life as if we were in the past or future. To control your anxiety focus on the present and concentrate on today. Be mindful of things you can control and be aware of your present surroundings. You are the only one who can create a calmer atmosphere for yourself, minimize your anxiety and thus appear more attractive.  

The Bachelor, is Finding "True Love" that Easy?

The craze with The Bachelor seems to be never ending and thousands of viewers tune in weekly to watch the drama unfold. Many of us wonder, is finding "true love" that easy? Well for starters, what is "true love?" Many of us believe "true love" is the happily ever after kind of love and our eternal devotion to our partners. However, knowing that the divorce rate in America is between 40% to 50% for your first marriage, we may be looking for the wrong kind of love for the wrong reasons. 

Love and infatuation are two different factors. Infatuation seems to be what The Bachelor loves to show us every week. The butterflies in your stomach, traveling to new exotic places and the lust of wanting each other. The Bachelor does not show us "true love" and it is misleading. We have to remember The Bachelor only films for six weeks, that is barely enough time to form a new habit for most of us, let alone get to know a potential partner. 

The truth is most of us will experience some sort of boredom in our relationship and may want to stray away. How do you overcome this? Step back and focus on you. Ask yourself, what is the real issue within me that I am bringing into our relationship? You will be surprised after some soul searching. You may realize you feel unattractive, you may be stressed at work or your family may be the source of unwanted turmoil. Relationships fluctuate and that is natural, do not let go just because your prince charming (or Bachelor) does not meet your checklist of all your requirements at all times. Be patient and unlike the speedy six weeks of The Bachelor "true love" means "true work." 

Here is a link for those of you who have never watched The Bachelor on ABC. 

Exercise to Promote Mental Health

The power of exercise is unique! Exercise helps our mental, emotional and physical well being. As a counselor I ask my clients to take the time to schedule at least 30 minutes of exercise into their busy lives. It is a difficult goal to attain for most but my clients have noticed after about a month to two months a new exercise habit is formed and exercise becomes a natural routine.


Exercise is beneficial in reducing stress and improving your mood. It is a powerful tool for people who need to manage anger, anxiety, depression and even addiction. If you need another motivating factor for exercising and want to run for a helping cause, here is a free app I use to count the miles your run: http://www.charitymiles.org/ This exercise app applies the miles you runs and swaps them for money that is donated to a charity of your choice.

Children Coping with Tragedies

It is important to remember not all children are alike and many children may experience a range of symptoms related to a tragedy. In order to help your child cope you must first understand what your child is feeling, help comfort them and help them feel safe.

Recently the Moore, Oklahoma tornado impacted the lives of many children and families. Parents and teachers were frantic trying to keep themselves calm while trying to instill safety and hope in their children.

After the tornado, children have felt the need to be comforted. Children will ask questions when they are prepared to and as adults it is important that we are aware of this. Do not pressure the child to talk about the event, since that may minimize the willingness of them to talk openly. When answering questions, be honest and age appropriate, as to avoid instilling any unnecessary fear in the child.

As a parent it is important to keep the line of conversation open and inviting to your child. This will provide your child with comfort and reassurance. Do not become an over emotional parent yourself; try to speak to your child with a calm and steady voice. If you openly share your experience with your child this will make you sound more inviting and help build trust in your parent-child relationship.

More Counseling therapy tools for adolescents, couples, parents and families coming soon!